I saw my APRN and am working through things.  I was on a low dose of Latuda, and it simply may not have been therapeutic levels for me.  We’ve increased the dosage, and two days later it seems to be helping.  I’m also taking it with dinner instead of my bedtime snack.  It’s supposed to be taken with food in order to be better absorbed by the body.  I may not have been eating enough with the medication for it to be properly absorbed.  Here’s hoping the combination of increased dosage and food intake will lead to resolution!  I’m still feeling a bit scattered, but am better able to focus.  I’m also not acting as impulsively, and am stopping myself from buying just to buy.  I’ve still purchased a few things, but they’re school-related and serve a purpose; I was planning these purchases for some time.

I’m not depressed and I’m not hypo-manic (I don’t think), so that’s a good start.

In other news, I have an interview for a practicum position!  It’s not with the prisons.  They are really dragging their feet, and the deadline is fast approaching.  If I don’t have a placement by the time classes start, I would have to drop the class, switch to part-time status, and wait until Fall to take Practicum.  I’d lose a semester.  Don’t want that!  This interview is at the community college I used to attend prior to transferring to Saint Joe’s to complete my undergrad.  My therapist told me that she has a colleague who works at a local community college just over the border in MA.  That therapist sees all sorts of people, including many veterans with PTSD, or people who went to prison, who are trying to rebuild their lives.  It then occurred to me that people who go to community colleges tend to be different than those attending regular 4-year liberal arts schools.  Many are starting over in some way after major life changes or crises, or are in the midst of those events.  I also enjoy helping people discover what they want to be when they grow up, and then figuring out how to get there.  I’ll be able to do that working at the community college counseling center.  A position there isn’t certain, but my contact graduated from my same program at Saint Joe’s in ’06 and is really excited to meet with me, so it’s promising!

Here is the current plan: if nothing changes between now and Wednesday when we meet, I’ll accept a practicum placement there if offered.  I can always continue to try to get an internship in one of the prisons, but since Internship I isn’t until the Fall semester, that buys me more time to work with them.  This way I have an interesting placement and can stay on schedule and on track to graduate next year.

That is important!

The past few days have been rough.  I waited until the last minute to do homework (more on that shortly), so had to dedicate myself to that.  Then school, quite frankly, sucked.  Specifically, Thursday night classes were a waste.  I was bored.  I was frustrated.  I was defensive.  By the end I was downright pissed off.  It’s complicated, but it came down to a textbook that I can’t trust despite being required to do so, a professor who seemed displeased with my critical thinking because it didn’t agree with his, and two women who are older than I am (!) who acted as though they were in high school.   They don’t like me (the feeling is mutual), and rolled their eyes while I argued with the prof.  One leaned over to the other while I was talking and wrote something about me in the other’s notebook.  I know this because they were sitting right next to me.  I couldn’t see what she wrote, only my name.  Bitches.  I also know for a fact that they talk about me behind my back, because some of it got back to me.  This makes them dumb bitches.

I need to let it go.

To make myself feel better, I bought myself a Kindle Fire HD when I got home.  It wasn’t a totally random purchase; I’d been thinking about it for awhile.  I just finally decided that I deserved it.  But the spending worries me.  I’ve also bought Rosetta Stone: Spanish, albeit half-off, some jewelry, a blouse, and an area rug.  Spending money is a symptom of hypo-mania, and I’ve felt it.  I’ve also felt mildly depressed.  And I’ve experienced anxiety again, though not as much as I used to.  I have trouble focusing (which is why the homework wasn’t done until last minute), and am bitchy.  I’m questioning the medication.  I sometimes think that it’s like not being on any medication, except that the symptoms are duller than they would be if I weren’t taking anything.  I feel a little out of control.  I wonder if this is something that I can learn to recognize and regain, or if this means that I need to go back onto the Lamictal instead.  I’d miss the energy, the sociability.  When I’m on, I’m on these days, and it feels great.  I’m focused and happy.  But when I start to swing in either direction, it’s challenging.  I don’t stay on either end of the spectrum for too long, and the symptoms aren’t too intense, but they are noticeable to me.  I see my APRN again in a couple of weeks, and I suppose we’ll make some decisions then.  In the meantime, I’ll experiment with trying to regain some control over my behavior and impulsivity.

And I’ll refrain from smacking those women, however tempting it might be.  I’ll even try not to argue with my professor as much.  Most of my classmates loved my mood the other night.  They laughed and said I was “really on fire” with my jokes and quips.  Glad my bad humor translates well to others.

I may be a bitch, but I’m a funny one.

Here’s what I mean about lack of focus.

Last week’s Wednesday class (Career Counseling) was cancelled due to the snow storm.  This means that it’s been a couple of weeks since we met, and a couple of weeks since I read the material we’ll be discussing in class tomorrow.  I should review it, and I tried, but I just can’t.  I’m not interested, and it’s not sticking.  Nor have I been able to complete the new readings for tomorrow, knowing that we won’t be covering them all because we’re behind a week.  I’m still going to be responsible for the info by next week, but can’t be bothered with it now despite it technically being due.  This lack of focus is bothering me, but not enough to do anything about it apparently.  My current game plan is to give up (which goes against the grain) for tonight, and try to review the material again tomorrow before class.

The thing is, it’s not like I have anything else I’d rather be doing.  I don’t.  I’m feeling a little restless, in fact, in need of something to do.  Reviewing constructivist and social constructionist theories of career development isn’t making the short list, though, anymore than finishing chapters regarding career development in children has.

Then there are Thursday’s classes, for which I’ve likewise done nothing.  There’s going to be a quiz in one of them (Family Therapy), but I don’t care.   It helps that a massive storm is predicted and those classes will likely be cancelled.  I’m not feeling the need to get anything done, knowing that we probably won’t be meeting.  Watch that come back to bite me in the ass somehow.

I may not know what I’d rather be doing, but I know I’d rather be doing something else.

But hey!  I’m now certified to conduct human research trials.  That ought to be comforting to… nobody.

Bah!  I think I’ll give this day up and go to bed.  Here’s hoping the Productivity Fairy visits me again in the morning, because Apathy Fairy seems to have put in her time today.