Hello

5

August 25, 2010

It got pretty dark, but it’s beginning to ease a little.

Categories: On Being Bipolar, Random Thoughts.

The Words

5

August 19, 2010

I think the words I was searching for were “I’m hurting,” but I wasn’t ready to acknowledge them yet, so I couldn’t find them.  There are good, biochemical reasons for the way I’m feeling, I know that, but it doesn’t help anything at the moment.  A medication I need to take for health reasons set off a chain reaction, ultimately triggering my innate propensity for depression.  I’ve stopped taking the medication for the time being, but that creates its own set of problems.  Thankfully I have an appointment to see the doctor next Thursday, and perhaps he can recommend another course of treatment that won’t have some of the terrible side effects I’ve been living with for the past couple of weeks.  The medication he had me on could never have been a long-term solution anyway as it has potentially dangerous and irreversible side effects over time.  I don’t know what we’ll do next, but I’m sure there’s something that can be done.

In the meantime, I am locked in my depression.  Those who have come into contact with me over the past couple of days have noticed, which is a bit sad really because I’m usually much better at hiding it.  I just haven’t had the mental energy, to be honest.  Until very recently I’d been taking much better care of myself and the house, but that has swiftly fallen by the wayside, one thing at  a time like dominoes.  I’m disconnected.  I can’t find my inner spirituality, which usually offers a measure of peace and comfort.  I’m disconnected from everyone and everything.  I can’t even read anymore.  I sit and stare into space, often turning the television on so that it at least looks like I’m doing something.  I’m not.  Writing this has been an effort, but I’m trying to make myself do something.

I know this will pass.  It’s already begun to, or I wouldn’t be able to sit here now.  In the meantime, I’m empty and a little sad.

And that, I suppose, is what I wanted to say.

Categories: On Being Bipolar, Random Thoughts.

Decisions, Decisions

3

January 27, 2010

My proposed research project: the effect of meditation on self esteem.  Hypothesis: practicing meditation daily increases self-esteem.

Still trying to come up with something for my literary research review paper.  I’m limited to a topic under the heading of either “Depression,” “Addiction,” or “Non-traditional families.”  I really don’t feel like researching addiction; I live with it.  Ditto for depression.  But I’m not feeling drawn to Non-trad families.  My current idea is to review research into the therapeutic benefits of pets for people suffering from depression.  There doesn’t appear to be enough professional, peer-reviewed articles however.  Searching… searching… pondering… pondering…

These topics due in the morning.  I’ll let you know what I wind up choosing.

Categories: College Life, On Being Bipolar, On Being an Alcoholic, Random Thoughts.

Room for Improvement

5

January 16, 2010

It is such an uncomfortable feeling to find that you’ve wronged someone, however unintentional it might have been.  I’ve recently come to realize that I’ve been doing just that, and to more than one person.

Part of it has been a matter of me sinking into a depression and shutting people out.  I haven’t returned phone calls or emails the way I should have.  Some of you have experienced this first hand, and I’d like to tell you how truly sorry I am.

With others it’s been a matter of me showing up late for things.  Not chronically late – only a couple of minutes – but late nonetheless.  I don’t know why I do this; it never happens until I’m comfortable with someone.  Which is kind of worse in a way, because if we’re that close then shouldn’t I be making even more of an effort to not waste your time or to devalue you that way?  I know that I don’t mean to do it.  I get caught up in doing something else and lose track of time.  This needs to stop.

Then there’s the matter of not meeting my responsibilities.  Because of my back problems I have not been able to fully perform the duties of something I volunteered for a couple of years ago.  I’ve been doing what I could but then letting the rest fall on someone else’s shoulders.  At first I spoke with her each month, clearing it with her.  But then it fell into a pattern and I stopped checking with her to make sure it was alright; I took her for granted.  So I’ve let down the group, but I’ve also let down a friend.  I cleared that up today and am making plans to give up that commitment altogether.  It’s obviously  not something I’m physically able to do anymore  and it’s time to accept it, at least for now.  My friend and I are back on good terms and all that’s left is for me to inform the group.  Not looking forward to it, but it has to be done.

So there you have it: I’ve been a lousy friend.  Bet you didn’t know I was such a crumb.  But I’m making things right and working on being a better person all around.

Categories: On Being Bipolar, On Being an Alcoholic, Random Thoughts.

Brief Note

11

May 1, 2009

I wanted to let you all know that I’m doing better than I was the other day.  I no longer hate my body, but continue to wear loose-fitting clothing; I still worry about dressing provocatively in others’ eyes.  More on that later, when I have time.  I’m still down, still overwhelmed with all I need to get done, but I’ve come out of that metaphorical corner.

Thanks for your wonderful comments and emails!

~me

Categories: On Being Bipolar, Random Thoughts.

Struggling

5

April 27, 2009

I’m in a really bad space right now.  I can’t think of a single thing I like about myself.

I know that I’m intelligent, but I don’t really care.

I know that others think I’m pretty, but I don’t.

I hate my body and am wearing baggy clothes to cover it.  Not that I think that I’m overweight.  I just don’t like it right now.  An older gentleman (someone I’ve known for years) at my meeting yesterday evening commented to me afterward that he hadn’t been able to give me my usual hug because of the way my clothes fit; it created a reaction in him… He mentioned that the jeans I wore to my AA anniversary in February were tight, too.  I don’t recall this, but am now extremely self-conscious.  I’ve put on about 5-7 lbs. in the past year so the clothes are a little snugger, but I’m not going to buy a whole new wardrobe over it.  Those lbs. are temporary as I get through this stressful time.  But ever since he mentioned it yesterday, I just want to hide in tent-like clothing.  In fact, I am.  My clothes today are over-sized and baggy, hanging on me.  Poor Randy made the mistake of calling me “Sexy” last night, for which I almost bit his head off.  He compounded the mistake by insisting that I am.  Great.  I’m glad he sees me that way, I really am.  But I didn’t want to be seen that way just then.  Or now, for that matter.

I’m under so much pressure at the moment and all I want to do is curl up in a fetal position with my back to a corner, and cry.

The pendulum has swung from manic to depressed at such an opportune time, eh?

Yeah, I’ll get through this.  I always do.  I just needed to put this out there.

Categories: On Being Bipolar, On Being an Alcoholic, Random Thoughts.

Moving Forward

12

January 8, 2009

Right.  I’ve begun to recreate my blogroll once more.  If you’re not there and you think you should be, by all means, let me know.

And if you haven’t been there in the past but would like to be, you can let me know that, too.

What else has been going on?  Well, let’s see.

In addition to being a bit manic for a couple of months, I’ve been suffering from anxiety as well.  Yesterday I slipped from manic to depressed, and am still anxious.  I was weepy all day.  Not fun.  It didn’t help that I thought I had misplaced something very valuable that doesn’t belong to me.  In the end I discovered that I had actually done the sensible thing for the first time in my life: I had put it in our safe.  But it didn’t occur to me to look there until evening.  Yes, I’m that disorganized.  Then I had to wait for Randy to get home because I couldn’t remember the code and he had forgotten to take his cell with him.

What a pair, eh?

I’m all over the place right now; I thought I was losing my mind.  And I resented it.

Most of the time I don’t dwell on the fact that I live with bipolar disorder.  It is what it is.  But yesterday was one of those (thankfully rare) days when I truly hate it.  Why can’t I be like everyone else?  Why is everything so overwhelming to me?  I keep shutting down.  I can function and even smile sometimes, but when I come home I bury myself in escapist activities like reading (inappropriately; i.e. ignoring my husband and everyone else around me) or mindlessly watching television.  During work yesterday I wanted to blast my music so loud that it would feel like my eardrums would blow, but though I turned the volume on my iPod all the way up, it still wasn’t loud enough.   It’s not easy to drown  out thoughts determined to be heard.  Thoughts like:

“I’m a mess.  Who do I think I am, going for a Ph.D.?  I should switch to a BA program in something easier because that’s all I can handle.  Nothing I say or do is right.   I’m a horrible friend- too selfish and self-absorbed.  I’m a fraud.  I’m a burden.”

I hurt.

As the Linkin Park lyric goes “… I’m strong on the surface, not all the way through…”

The refrain in my brain.

I’m  not wallowing.  Though I wrote a lot of it out here just now, I’m working through to the other side.  Not stuffing, but looking at each one of these things and refuting them.  For the most part, however, I have to ride out the depression, let it run its course while I keep busy.  It’s all  I can do.

Yeah, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.  I just have to find it and follow where it leads.

Categories: On Being Bipolar.