Struggling

5

April 27, 2009

I’m in a really bad space right now.  I can’t think of a single thing I like about myself.

I know that I’m intelligent, but I don’t really care.

I know that others think I’m pretty, but I don’t.

I hate my body and am wearing baggy clothes to cover it.  Not that I think that I’m overweight.  I just don’t like it right now.  An older gentleman (someone I’ve known for years) at my meeting yesterday evening commented to me afterward that he hadn’t been able to give me my usual hug because of the way my clothes fit; it created a reaction in him… He mentioned that the jeans I wore to my AA anniversary in February were tight, too.  I don’t recall this, but am now extremely self-conscious.  I’ve put on about 5-7 lbs. in the past year so the clothes are a little snugger, but I’m not going to buy a whole new wardrobe over it.  Those lbs. are temporary as I get through this stressful time.  But ever since he mentioned it yesterday, I just want to hide in tent-like clothing.  In fact, I am.  My clothes today are over-sized and baggy, hanging on me.  Poor Randy made the mistake of calling me “Sexy” last night, for which I almost bit his head off.  He compounded the mistake by insisting that I am.  Great.  I’m glad he sees me that way, I really am.  But I didn’t want to be seen that way just then.  Or now, for that matter.

I’m under so much pressure at the moment and all I want to do is curl up in a fetal position with my back to a corner, and cry.

The pendulum has swung from manic to depressed at such an opportune time, eh?

Yeah, I’ll get through this.  I always do.  I just needed to put this out there.

Categories: On Being Bipolar, On Being an Alcoholic, Random Thoughts.

Pausing to Breathe

6

April 22, 2009

First, my friend is still with her husband but is making progress.  She recently began seeing a counselor who is telling her all the same things I have.  A counselor is objective, though; it’s easier to take them seriously and to follow their suggestions.  The last I knew, my friend was going to follow through with Women’s Emergency Services (WES) to see if they could help her.  WES can set women and their children up in really nice housing, and though there is usually a waiting list, they can sometimes give vehicles to the women- to keep – so that they can get back and forth to work.

My friend hasn’t left her husband yet, but she’s making those first steps.  Keep her in your thoughts.

I’ve been busy trying to get financial aid documents sorted and am only part-way through.  There’s only 3 weeks left to the semester and projects and papers are coming due.  Then there’s work.  I’m tired and stressed, but it’s all going to turn out in the end.  I just have to push through this last little bit.

SIL was beautiful on her wedding day, as well she should have been.  The best part was the Father-Daughter dance.  Her father is a cranky old SOB most of the time, but that night… he was beaming.  She’s his pride and joy.  There’s always been a special bond between those two; she’s Daddy’s Little Girl.  I’ve never seen that man so proud and happy in the 15 years I’ve known him; it actually left me teary-eyed, which is quite a feat!  And there was nary a beer koozie in sight.  There was, however, a best man wearing a top-hat style felt cap emblazoned with the Confederate flag.  The less said about my feelings on that subject, the better.  At least he didn’t wear it during the ceremony, but I suspect he would have if he could have.  Not my friend, so not my problem. But…

[insert expletive-laden rant here if you please]

On a lighter note, one of the groomsmen fainted during the ceremony.

There were 4 of them, and the others caught this guy before he hit the ground.  The front pews were empty so they got him over there.  Some woman ran and grabbed a basket in case the guy hurled.  He didn’t, in case you were wondering.  He was white.  After a brief pause the ceremony continued while people looked after this guy.  He was able to stand before the end of the wedding.  It was touch-and-go, but he made it; he leaned on the bridesmaid he was paired with as they walked back up the aisle.  He remained ghostly white for about another hour, and never fully regained his color.  I don’t think so, at any rate.  I don’t know him, so I don’t know how naturally pale he usually is.  But his color was off.  Poor guy was so embarrassed!  I still don’t know what happened, but I felt badly for him.  Since he’s ok, though, I also have to chuckle over it a little.  It was a memorable wedding! *G*

Ah, well, back to the grind now.

ironwheels1

Categories: College Life, Creativity Expressed, Random Thoughts.

What Life Looks Like Now

11

April 14, 2009

I’ve been isolating lately.  Sorry.  Just been feeling a bit withdrawn.  Several friends have either died or are dying.  Strange.  In addition to that, a friend of mine who has been in an abusive relationship told me this weekend that it’s escalated even more.  Her husband took himself off of his psych meds cold turkey without telling his counselor, and he’s spinning out of control.  But she won’t leave him.  She doesn’t want state assistance but has no place to go.  She has 2 little girls.  She says that in this day and age people treat marriage as something disposable rather than trying to work things out.  She doesn’t want to do that.  She has tried over and over, though, and nothing changes.  He’s former military with guns in the house.  Does he have to kill her before she takes it seriously?  It’s a bit late then, don’t you think?  I’ve offered to help her time and time again, but she just isn’t ready to take action.  She makes excuses for him and shoulders the blame (he says it’s all her fault that he treats her this way, so of course she thinks it must be so), which is classic in an abusive relationship.  I’ve been where she is, minus the children, and I know that there’s nothing I can do except be there for her.  But it brings up a lot of bad memories, and it hurts me to see her like this.  I’m ok.  Just… I don’t know. 

But good things have been happening as well.  Let’s focus on those for a bit.

I’ve been accepted at another college, this time Saint Joseph.  I’m pretty excited about this one.  There have been 2 armed robberies in the past week on the campus of the first school I was accepted at- the University of Hartford - therefore Randy would really prefer I not go there.  They’re throwing a lot of money my way, however, so I won’t rule them out completely.  Saint Joseph was a late addition to my transfer list and they don’t have my financial info yet; I don’t know how much aid they’ll give me.  They’ve already offered me a $5000/year merit scholarship, though.

Here’s an interesting tidbit from work: Barack Obama ordered a book from us!  Legit.  It was in his name and addressed to the White House.  I wasn’t there that day, so I don’t know which book it was.  We carry a lot of books about him, so we’ve been speculating that it was one of those.  However someone else came up with an excellent alternative: a George Bush Voodoo Doll set!  He’s got to be feeling some animosity for the mess he’s inherited, right?  *G*  Then again, perhaps he’s annoyed with his Secretary of State; we carry a Hilary Clinton Voodoo Doll set as well. ;0)  At first I wished that I knew what he ordered, but now I think it’s more fun to guess.  *G*

Categories: College Life, Random Thoughts, Tales from a Bookstore.

Weekly Ups and Downs

11

April 7, 2009

Two blog posts in two days.  Who knew I had it in me?

Unhappy news:

My mother’s friend Diane is going downhill fast.  The cancer has metasticized all over.  She now has 8 brain tumors!  My mother’s job allows her to make frequent visits to Diane’s home in Vermont, where Diane is currently receiving hospice care.  It’s all so terribly sad.

In addition to this, there was a horrible car accident on Friday in which a car and a tractor trailer truck collided.  The road was shut down for hours, and the driver of the car was killed.  I’ve discovered that it was an old friend of ours.  We’d drifted apart due to time and distance, but remained very friendly when we’d bump into each other.  She was a young mother, divorced.

Makes me appreciate the life that I have, and the loved ones in it.

Good News:

I’ve been accepted at one of the colleges that I applied to. It isn’t my first choice, but it has the graduate degree program that I want.  It might be wise to finish my BA there and get my foot in the door; graduate programs are competitve.  Still, I’m holding out for favorable responses from the other schools that I applied to.  I have some time to make up my mind, and the deposit is small enough on this school that if I need to, I can make it without hardship while I wait to hear back from the others.  I have until May 1, though, to make the deposit.  No pressure yet.

I have at least one place to go in the Fall.  Assuming, of course, that I can scrape the money together.  But that, my friends, will be the subject of future whinings, I’m sure.   Therefore I’ll give you a reprieve from that for now.

Categories: College Life, Random Thoughts.

No Class… Outdoors

3

April 6, 2009

Now to answer the question that you’ve been dying to ask:

No, I did not wet myself onstage.

It all went very well.  I said my bit, they said theirs.  A couple of my friends were inducted and were very excited and nervous.  It was a lot of fun to be part of the experience for them.  I didn’t realize that I was getting awarded as well.  I never keep track of the volunteer hours I put in, but it seems I put in at least 25.  As a result, I was awarded PTK’s golden tassle and stole, something members usually have to buy for themselves if they want to wear them at graduation.  So I’ll look spiffy when I lead the graduates down the aisle, which is what I think it means to be the marshal at graduation.

Other than that, not much has been going on.  My last class on Thursday decided to meet outside because the weather was nice.  It seemed alright, but on the drive home I could feel the pressure in my face building until the pain was excruciating.  That’s when I remember that I often get seasonal allergies in the Spring, allergies which attack my sinuses and leave me feeling as though every tooth on one side of my face is abscessing all at once.  I had to go to work like that.  I’ve been in pain all weekend.  I had to work all day Friday, then go to the induction ceremony right after work.  I was not a happy camper by the end of the day.  The good news is that Tylenol Sinus mixed with a couple of Advil usually takes away the worst of it, but I’m wiped out after.  I spent Saturday doing only the most mindless of things, which usually entailed watching disaster movies that I’d seen before and which didn’t require my attention.  I slept quite a bit, too.  The other bad thing is that I’m going to have to ask the professor not to move class outside again.  This is going to be extremely unpopular with most of the class, but I know of at least one other person who suffered after last Thursday, so it isn’t just me.  I’ll talk to him privately, try to keep our names out of it.  But I can’t go through this again!

I haven’t been blogging much recently.  Work has been slow, which means hours of operation are reduced.  This in turn means I’m having to scramble to get my hours in.  A couple of times I’ve run home in between classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays to put some time in.  Hardly worth it financially given the gas, wear and tear on my car.  But I have to meet my quota, which makes it worth it in the bigger picture.  Must keep the job.  But that also happens to be the time I set aside for the majority of my blogging and blog reading.  Hopefully I’ll catch up soon.  I don’t like to rush it.  I prefer to sit back, relax and really read and enjoy what you’ve shared.

Right now, though, I’ve got to get ready for work.  See you soon!

Categories: College Life, Random Thoughts.

Poise(d) for Success

5

April 1, 2009

I said something about letting you all know what else was happening.  Now is as good a time as any, eh?

First, I have one short essay left to write and some financial aid/scholarship forms to fill, but otherwise I think my applications are done.  Saint Joseph College invited me to apply, offering up to $8,000/yr. just for my PTK affiliation, so I added them to the list; they’re taken care of.  One cool thing about them is that they offer a course in forensic psychology.  It’s just one course, not a concentration, but it’s more than most of the colleges have here.

Second, I’ve been asked to be marshal at graduation.  Although I myself am not graduating, I’ll get to wear the cap and gown complete with honor society tassle and stole.  I’m not exactly sure what this position will entail, but I’m fairly certain that it doesn’t include wearing a badge and toting a gun under the robes.

Third, I have been invited to take part in the induction ceremony for the new PTK members on Friday night.  Some of you may remember my experiences at my own induction ceremony.  Once again I’m going to be stuck onstage, unable to sneak out to pee.  Commercials for “bladder protection” are suddenly gaining my attention.  But are adult diapers really the way to go?  I just don’t know how to make that sexy.  Do you?

Wait.

Don’t answer that.

Categories: College Life, Random Thoughts.