I celebrated 13 years sober today at my AA home group.  Randy, my mother, and my sister all came, and of course the room was full of friends.  I can’t believe it’s been so long.  I can’t believe the changes, who I was and who I am now.  There was a time when I was ice cold and more self-centered than any person has a right to be.  The world revolved around me, everything that went wrong was someone else’s fault, the world owed me, and if you didn’t agree with me then you could just leave me the hell alone.  I would take and take and feel resentful if you wanted anything of me.  I would make promises and immediately think of ways to get out of doing whatever it was that I promised to do.

If you were counting on me, I’d let you down.  That you could count on.

I’d like to think I’ve changed a little in 13 years.

I’m still more self-centered than I should be.  But I no longer blame everyone else for my failings, and I don’t think the world owes me a thing.  I still may want people to leave me alone at times, but I try not to shut people out anymore.  I may still occasionally wish I could find an excuse out of a promise I’ve made, but I’ll keep my promise and even scrounge up a smile while I’m keeping it.  And while I still think I’m more of a taker than a giver, I’m trying to change that too.

I’m just a work in progress, but at least some progress has been made

I want a steak.  A nice, thick, juicy steak.  And potatoes.  Iced tea.

But mostly steak.

Imagine you’re famous.  What are you famous for?

The date is set: my gallbladder will be removed on March 8th.  That’s one way to lose weight, though generally not recommended for that purpose.

One other thing I forgot to mention: yesterday was my 13th sober anniversary.  I might write more about this on Sunday, when I celebrate.  For now, though, I’ve got to log off and get some homework done.  Homework.  A gift of sobriety.

My liver is improving… it’s a non-issue!

I’ve rescheduled that appointment with the gastroenterologist to check out the new pain since last Sunday; I’ll go on Tuesday afternoon.  In the meantime, the surgeon has decided that we should go ahead and take out my gall bladder since I’m still not well.  She’s going to see what she has open in a couple of weeks; I’ll hang on until then.

I may live yet.

Now I have to study for my first Human Sexuality test to be taken tomorrow night.  Unless, of course, I luck out and we have yet another snow day.

A girl can dream.

So far, so good.

The ultrasound didn’t turn up any obvious problems with my liver.  My gall bladder is an issue and may not be able to wait.  I still don’t know anything more, and I won’t know anything more until the results of today’s blood tests are in.  In the meantime I feel like crap.  My side hurts, I’m periodically nauseous, running temps/fevers on and off, and am constantly tired.  Because we don’t know what’s going on I can’t take any Tylenol or Advil because it might do more harm than good.  I just curl up in a ball and go to sleep, alternately shivering or sweating.

I am a vision of loveliness.

I have to email an outline of a paper to a professor tomorrow and I haven’t finished reading all of the articles I need to read for it yet.  I’ve been trying all weekend but  I can’t concentrate, and then fall asleep.  I have to write an annotated bibliography for my Islam class, due Thursday night, and I’m having trouble finding good (easily-accessible) source material.  I have a test on Wednesday night. Midterm Thursday.  Another next Thursday.

This is a really crappy time to be sick.

The Olympics make a nice break from time to time (although even then I’m easily distracted), so there’s a bright spot in my life.

Now, just to be bitchy, I’m going to bitch: I can’t stand the Davis & White ice dancing pair.  While I don’t think I mind him so much, she’s arrogant and the sight of her annoys me.  It makes it worse that she really is as good as she says she is.  Just because you have a reason to be arrogant doesn’t mean you should be.  Little upstart puppy.

That’s all I’ve got to say about that

Am about to start my fast before my lab work first thing in the morning.  Hopefully I’ll have more news to share with you about my condition then.  In the meantime I’m going to guzzle down one last Nesquik Fat Free Chocolate Milk (which is very tasty despite its fat-free nature), finish watching an episode of NCIS, then go to bed.

Later one and all.

I got a call from the surgeon I met with on Tuesday.  The results of the blood test were in and she needed to speak with me.  When I returned her call she let me know that my liver enzymes were very elevated; I need to have another blood test and an ultrasound.  Trouble is it needs to be a fasting blood test, and the hospital won’t schedule ultrasounds on the weekends.   So, in essence:

“Hi.  Your liver levels are off.  I think you have hepatitis and we need to run more tests, but the hospital says you have to wait until  Monday.  Enjoy your weekend!”

I’m not particularly happy at the moment.

On top of it all I’m not convinced that this has anything to do with the excruciatingly painful attacks (located just below the breast bone) I’ve had over the past year, the most recent of which sent me to my doctor on Monday.  I’ve never had pain on my right side during or after those attacks before.  Either it’s a coincidence or the attack somehow triggered my liver’s inflammation; they may be related, but the liver isn’t causing the original problem.

Then there’s the gallstones that will eventually have to be dealt with as well.

And to top it all off, my insurance stopped paying for my chiropractic visits for my back.  I’ve got a large bill to pay; no more chiro visits for me for awhile!

Back, chest, gallbladder, liver.  I’m made up of pieces parts and am wearing them out at an alarming clip.  Pooh!

The world seems far less dire today; I have snapped out of it.  I still wish I could run, but for health reasons, not emotional ones.

I now have to write a reflection on an article about art – or lack thereof – in Islamic culture.  I can’t agree with the author about the emptiness and isolation generated by art as we know it; thankfully I’m not required to do so.  I just need to write my thoughts down in some coherent fashion.  I have the potential to do that.  Oh, I can write and reflect, I’m just not entirely certain about the coherent part.  This is Sleep-Deprivation Thursday after all.  For example, in the Stall Street Journal (a complement to the Tinkle Time News I think) I read:

“Write down goals” as

“Write down goats.”

I suspect there’s a difference.

On a side note (I seem to like side notes) my host server seems to be exceptionally slow.  In fact my site wouldn’t load for awhile last night.  It’s still creeping today.  If it disappears on you, one can only hope that server maintenance is occurring to fix the problem.

I met with the surgeon today and, after examining me, she told me that she doesn’t think it’s my gallbladder that’s causing the pain; it isn’t presenting normally.  She does think it needs to come out but thinks I can get away with waiting until after the semester ends if I stick to a strict lowfat/nonfat diet.  In the meantime she’s ordered some blood work and referred me to a gastroenterologist; she thinks the pain is coming from that direction.  So I have an appointment with another specialist on Monday.  She wants to treat me as non-invasively as possible, which I appreciate.

I’ll let you know how the appointment on Monday goes.

In the meantime, life carries on.  I have to ponder why people masturbate for my Human Sexuality class and be ready to discuss tomorrow night with a roomful of very young women.

This should be good.

Am sick.  Gall bladder attack or something.  Extreme pain in chest for about an hour.  Fell asleep after.  Woke up still tender, sick to my stomach, woozy, chills on and off.  Came out to couch and have stayed here since.  Stomach bothering me, still tender.  Uncomfortable sitting or standing for long, so I’m going to end here.

Doctor soon I think.

I was wondering what to blog about, and then I saw one of the latest search terms used:

“Don’t send me the card again it’s very annoying”

I don’t know why that phrase would lead someone here.  I haven’t received or sent anyone any cards, and certainly not frequently enough to become annoying.  Definitely not enough to receive the online equivalent of a restraining order.

Just to be safe, though, I shall no longer be sending any of you any cards whatsoever.  You may thank a cyber sourpuss for this lack of love-sharing.

Some people just have to go and ruin it for everyone.

I need a little more color in my life.

Everything is black, white, grey, brown.  I need shades of blue, red, yellow, orange, green.

I need color.

How about you?

We are the world.

That is all.

Except that Becky says I’m a dork.

She’s right.

After much agonizing (because I’m stuck with these topics once chosen- no changes allowed) I think I’m going to:

1. write a literature review of animal-assisted therapy in treating depression for my Critical Writing and Research course

and

2. research celebrity worship for my Research Methods course.  This will involve me designing and conducting my own original research over the course of the semester.  Just how I’ll go about this I’m not sure yet, but I don’t have to know tomorrow.  I just have to turn in a paragraph about my theory and hypothesis.  I do still need to figure that out tonight.  You know, narrow it down.

What do you think?  You like, right? Because it’s probably too late to tell me “no” by the time you read this.