New Category: Bad Reviews

As we all know, I read.  A lot.  I also read reviews.  Reviews can be spoilery and while that’s often annoying, it can also be helpful.  Still, I don’t usually make selections based upon them. It must be said, however, that there are a lot of hilariously snarky reviewers out there.  Some have made me laugh until I cried.  After toying with the idea for awhile, I’ve decided that some of these really need to be shared.  I have created a new category and will post reviews or excerpts from reviews that made me laugh.  Hopefully they’ll do the same for you.*

So, to get things started, I thought I’d highlight some reviews/excerpts of reviews from…

Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James

(these reviews came from Amazon)

Bestseller? Really??? March 25, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition
[…] And oh, the repetition…and the repetition…and the repetition. I’m convinced the author has a computer macro that she hits to insert one of her limited repertoire of facial expressions whenever she needs one. According to my Kindle search function, characters roll their eyes 41 times, Ana bites her lip 35 times, Christian’s lips “quirk up” 16 times, Christian “cocks his head to one side” 17 times, characters “purse” their lips 15 times, and characters raise their eyebrows a whopping 50 times. Add to that 80 references to Ana’s anthropomorphic “subconscious” (which also rolls its eyes and purses its lips, by the way), 58 references to Ana’s “inner goddess,” and 92 repetitions of Ana saying some form of “oh crap” (which, depending on the severity of the circumstances, can be intensified to “holy crap,” “double crap,” or the ultimate “triple crap”). And this is only part one of a trilogy…  If I wrote like that, I’d use a pseudonym too.
[…] *UPDATE*: Thanks to the many other perturbed readers who have shared their own choices of the most annoyingly overused phrases in this masterpiece. Following up on their suggestions with my ever-useful Kindle search function, I have discovered that Ana says “Jeez” 81 times and “oh my” 72 times. She “blushes” or “flushes” 125 times, including 13 that are “scarlet,” 6 that are “crimson,” and one that is “stars and stripes red.” (I can’t even imagine.) Ana “peeks up” at Christian 13 times, and there are 9 references to Christian’s “hooded eyes,” 7 to his “long index finger,” and 25 to how “hot” he is (including four recurrences of the epic declarative sentence “He’s so freaking hot.”). Christian’s “mouth presses into a hard line” 10 times. Characters “murmur” 199 times, “mutter” 49 times, and “whisper” 195 times (doesn’t anyone just talk?), “clamber” on/in/out of things 21 times, and “smirk” 34 times. Christian and Ana also “gasp” 46 times and experience 18 “breath hitches,” suggesting a need for prompt intervention by paramedics. Finally, in a remarkable bit of symmetry, our hero and heroine exchange 124 “grins” and 124 “frowns”… which, by the way, seems an awful lot of frowning for a woman who experiences “intense,” “body-shattering,” “delicious,” “violent,” “all-consuming,” “turbulent,” “agonizing” and “exhausting” orgasms on just about every page..’
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Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase
[…]Once upon a time…
I’m Ana. I’m clumsy and naive. I like books. I dig this guy. He couldn’t possibly like me. He’s rich. I wonder if he’s gay? His eyes are gray. Super gray. Intensely gray. Intense AND gray. Serious and gray. Super gray. Dark and gray. [insert 100+ other ways to say “gray eyes” here]
I blush. I gasp. He touches me “down there.” I gasp again. He gasps. We both gasp. I blush some more. I gasp some more. I refer to my genitals as “down there” a few more times. I blush some more. Sorry, I mean I “flush” some more. I bite my lip. He gasps a lot more. More gasping. More blushing/flushing. More lip biting. Still more gasping.
The end.
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If Crap Had an A$$hole, This Would Be Shooting Out Of It
Customer rating 1.0/5.0
April 27, 2012 By Cynthia Ivers
(I just liked the title of this review *G*)
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Wow. Jeez. Holy Cow! This book is not worth the time or money.
Customer rating 1.0/5.0
May 2, 2012 By J. Haase “coffee addict”
Amazon Verified Purchase
[…] A hot single billionaire businessman, outrageously accomplished but deeply emotionally damaged, meets an innocent college senior who can barely walk on her own two feet, much less construct and execute an intelligent sentence in his presence. Inexplicably, he must have her. She meets him once, in a semi-professional capacity – a student interviewing a successful businessman and college benefactor for the student newspaper. Before you can say “creepy stalker” he has her home address, has sent her wildly inappropriate gifts worth tens of thousands of dollars, shows up three and a half hours south in her place of business, and is tracing her cell phone so that he can “rescue” her from her own drunken stupidity, back to his bed in a hotel. This isn’t romantic; this is grounds for a restraining order.
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Fifty Shades of Suicidal Thoughts
Customer rating 1.0/5.0
June 13, 2012 By Brittany L. Vanvalkenburg
Amazon Verified Purchase
(another review that I liked the title of)
[…]I’m pretty sure a penguin with one flipper could write better drivel than this.
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Okay, that’s enough.  There are, as of this writing, 8,674 reviews.  I got through the first 20 listed on my phone’s Amazon link, and all of them with the exception of one or two were 1-star rated.

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* I highly recommend looking at 1 or 2 star reviews if you’re looking for a laugh.

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