Absolute Best of the Bad

Let me start out by saying that I have not read this book.  I don’t know if I would reach the same conclusions as this reviewer did.  I know that she and I differ on a couple of titles, so who knows?  If it makes the authors feel any better, this review cracked me up so much I’m actually considering buying the book! :D

This is, without a doubt, the best bad review I’ve ever read.  In fact, this is the review that inspired the category on my blog.  Though I read it months ago, I never forgot it.  It’s long but… man… this is one that made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe!

Without further ado, here you go.  Brought to you from Cait at Goodreads.

Cait’s Reviews > Unleashed

Unleashed (Wolf Springs Chronicles, #1)
byNancy Holder (Goodreads Author), Debbie Viguié (Goodreads Author)

5254851

Cait’sreview

Jul 01, 12

bookshelves: i-need-some-asprin, this-makes-no-sense, tstl-to-the-max-girl, what-plot, headdesk-to-the-extreme, burn-it

Read from November 22 to 25, 2011
As a pre- P.S. I didn’t give this book a rating. ‘Nuff said.

After reading:

I hate this book. I hate it with such a passion that I want to burn it, take some of its DNA, clone it, then burn all of the clones to use a kindling for the rest of my existence, and then pass it to my children who can pass in onto theirs so they can also use it to fuel their fires to the end of their days.

Yeah, I honestly detest the book that much. Right off the bat, then, let me give you one of the special little gems that Holder stabbed me with cruelly and painfully oh so graciously bestowed upon me:

Cordelia’s entire demeanor changed. She lifted her chin and squared her shoulders, as if she was proud of what she was going to say. Then a cloud passed over her face,and she exhaled long and hard.

I know that Holder probably meant something along the lines of, “her face clouded over,” or, “a cloud of indecision passed over her face,” but because she doesn’t use that verb tense and uses absolutely no descriptive terms whatsoever, the only way we rational humans and the laws of grammar and conjugations demand that we take it is that a cloud literally passed over her fucking face. Not a cloud’s shadow, not fog, a whole fucking cloud, people.

First off, that’s just straight up impossible; considering the setting of this scene between our MC and her “friend” is indoors. And even if they weren’t inside, it’s impossible for an entire cloud to do that, and unless ( spoiler alert, people because the cover and synopsis weren’t obvious enough *eye roll*) werewolves have a new power that allows them to fly miles into the air, then that possibility would also never happen.

And since we’re talking about this quote already, Cordelia is just about the worst “friend” that I’ve ever read in a novel. We’re supposed to believe that she’s some beautiful, exotic, peppy and amazing girl, but they are almost never used as our main descriptors of her through Unleashed. This is how her looks are described the first time:

A tall, slender girl with shoulder-length auburn hair, dark blue eyes, and perfect movie-star looks stood, organized her belongings, and flashed her a kind smile.

However, the rest of the time this is all I get when it come to Cordelia’s descriptives:

she was pale and was moving slowly.

she suddenly looked pale

said with a smile, but her voice sounded a little strained.

Cordelia looked positively green.

Then, she’s fake:

Cordelia’s eagerness seemed forced…..

Cordelia’s face fell. Then, just as abruptly, she smiled her fake smile again.

“Oh. Uh-huh,” Cordelia said, obviously forcing enthusiasm.

Basically what I’m trying to say here, Holder, is just because you one time write about how beautiful a girl is won’t matter if, the rest of the damn time, you talk about how weak, manipulative, and fake the the exact same character is, then that’s how I’m going to always see her. Not as some strong, beautiful, bullshit-rejecting, awesome chick, but a weak, fake, and a wuss. She is so huge of a wuss, in fact, that she leaves Katelyn without even a second glance to fend for herself with her deranged father not that I minded, of course. I hope Katelyn dies a horrible death.

What? I didn’t say anything…..

Then we have Katelyn, who has got to be the most poorly written girl protagonist that I have ever read. Yes, even worse than Bethany; she may have been a brainless, idiotic, and incredibly self-centered, but at least I know that she was written that way, albeit accidentally and horribly. Adornetto just didn’t know anything about how the world really works, and what relationships are and are not okay. Katelyn and Holder? She’s a victim of a writer who doesn’t know jack shit anything involving writing, and that’s just about the worst kind of author a person can get. We get very little info to her backstory besides she likes to dance, she has one friend back in Cali (who isn’t much of a “bestie” she stops talking to her after the first week), and we know that her mom died in a fire, but Holder has her shut down about anything emotional before she even allows Katelyn time to think about it. What are we left with, then, if we get no emotional attachments? A shell of a character, that’s what; with all of the undesirable traits highlighted. She’s always interrupting a conversation with others or even herself with comments that left me dumbstruck:

“Trick,” Ed said in greeting. Was his name Trick, or was he playing a trick?
“You know the rules, Dr. M.,” he said. “You have to invite me in.”
“You have to be invited in?” Katelyn asked. “So, what? Are you a vampire?”

Eugh. Reminder for the next set of quotes with “in greeting” It is obviously his name/nickname if he is greeted that way. Who in the hell would walk up to someone and greet them by saying Trick unless it’s actually their name?

“You missed supper,” Ed told him as he led the way toward the fireplace.
“Didn’t cook the bird?” the guy asked.
“It’ll spoil.”
“Wait,” Katelyn said. “Is your name really Trick?”

Bleh. And also note that the bolded part of “the guy” quote is to let you all know that it has already been introduced to Katelyn and us, the audience, that his name is Trick, but Katelyn so adamantly refuses to believe that, even with all of the evidence, that she calls him the fucking guy. Bleh again.

Ed snorted. “Tough guy. That’s the sort of talk landed you in hot water.”
He shook his head, looking suddenly serious. “Lies landed me in hot water.”
“If you had a lick of sense, you’d stick with your own kind and leave them boys alone.”
Katelyn’s eyes widened. His own kind? It was obvious Trick wasn’t completely Caucasian. Could that be what her grandfather was referring to? Was Ed a racist?

……….


Oh my God I think my head is going to explode from all of this stupidity.

Seriously; how old is Katelyn? Four? How naive and stupid can one girl be?! And the worst part about her obvious empty-headedness is that she’s so adamant that she’s above everyone in her knowledge, and keeps on remarking that she’s moving to “hick town.” She thinks that she’s so much more intelligent that everyone else, but it’s kind of obvious from just those juicy little tidbits that I showed you she clearly isn’t. Saying that her grandfather, a man that she has known for many years, is racist just because he told a guy that he’s obviously close friends with that he should stick more, “to his own kind?” in a way that was quite obviously showing that Ed was concerned for Trick’s health? And Holder, through Katelyn, has some of the most confusing descriptions of a guy that I’ve ever seen. This is the descriptions of one of the love interests (yes that means there’s a love triangle. I’ll get to that, as well). Let me remind you that he’s supposed to be asian and russian and african american

“his oddly colored green eyes were light against his cocoa-colored skin. They were almond-shaped, and his cheekbones were high, giving him hollows in his cheeks. He had a square jaw and a nice, wide mouth.
So he has the coloring of an African American and the bone structure and eye-shape of an Asian.

is was obvious Trick wasn’t completely Caucasian.
Now he isn’t that dark.

She was mildly surprised that he wasn’t Native American or something.
Now he’s Native American?

“Actually, it’s Vladimir, but no one has called me that in forever.”
“My last name’s Sokolov,” he said. “Russian.”
“Are you from Russia?”
“Nope.”

Do I even need to say anything else, here?

Oh, and here’s one little gem that should describe this guy’s whole personality:

“Just FYI, Kat, I’m not androgynous.”
“My name’s not Kat,” she replied, hiding her own smile.
“It is now.”

And the plot? I’m not even going to bother with a description of the plot because there wasn’t one. At all. I knew what was going to happen from the very first page, and everything was so plainly obvious that you could almost see Holder making some kind of bullet points about how she wanted the book to go and just adding words around it. Nothing shocked me, nothing made me think that Holder was in any way clever; if anything, it just annoyed me half to death. It was so basic and rudimentary that it was nonexistent. She might as well have not even written the damn thing. It didn’t do anything to help this book; if anything, it was harmed because of this lack of plot.

Oh, and the last horrible and awkward thing that this book presented me that I will talk about, anyways, is its “love triangle” I say “love triangle” because I suppose that it was going to be a love triangle, maybe even a decent one (as far as a “decent” love triangle can be) somewhere down the line, but it just ended up being confusing and damned painful. It ended up being more like a love……blob. First, Katelyn meets the first love interest, bastard Trick, and it goes like this:

Trick: Hey, I’m an Asian/African American/Native American/Russian; I’m kind of in a severe identity crisis. Watch as I seductively take of my boots. You know what they say about a man’s feet in proportion to other things……..
Trick: *takes off his boots to reveal……feet…… with socks on them!*
Katelyn: OHMIGAWD THAT’S SO WRONG YOU’RE SHOWING ME YOUR FEET!?!?!?
Trick: Yeah. I’m so kewl.
Ed: Hey, bud! I’ve missed you; do you want to have some dinner? You should stop being upfront, though. Stick with your kind more!
Katelyn: OHMIGAWD THAT’S SO WRONG YOU’RE A RACIST, GRANDPA!
Ed: Herp de derp.
Katelyn: Okay, goodbye!
Trick: Bye, babe. Oh, and by the way, your name is Kat, not Katelyn now.
Katelyn: Okay!
Katelyn: ………I think I’m in love.
Trick: Hey, I knew this one kid who was friends with this one girl that I know who knew this one guy who was dating this one girl and she died and I’m all sad about it, so I’m deep! I also have this thing where I’m mysterious so I may or may not be a werewolf but it’s never told in this book so it gives me an added air of awesome! Go to a party with me!
Ed: As long as you bring her home safe! My granddaughter is important to me!
Katelyn: Ignore him, Trick, he’s racist. Okay, mah lurrrveeee!
Trick: *ignores Katelyn at the party*
Katelyn: Hey……Trick….
Trick: *continues to ignore Katelyn at the party*
Katelyn: Trick….maybe you could just…..
Trick: *ignores her again*
Katelyn: maybe you could just stop ignoring me?
Trick: OHMIGAWD YOU’RE SO ANNOYING I’VE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU THIS WHOLE TIME!!1 DRIVE YOURSELF HOME!
Katelyn: I’m so horrible! (view spoiler)[ gets attacked by a werewolf (hide spoiler)]

Then, we have Justin, who makes Katelyn stop being a chaste wuss and turns her into, well, a whore.

Justin: Hey. I’m sooooo hawt.
Katelyn: I think I’m in lust. *stares deeply into his eyes and almost starts to kiss him*
Cordelia: GO HOME KATELYN! I’M SICKLY AND IN EMOTIONAL DISTRESS SO GO AWAY!
Katelyn: Oh…..right…..home….
Justin: *drops by Katelyn’s house* Get on my motorcycle.
Katelyn: Alright!
Justin: Start making out with me even though you’ve only known me for two minutes.
Katelyn: Alright! *shoves her tongue down his throat*
Justin: Byeeeeeeeeee!
Katelyn: Byeeeeee!
Cordelia later: He has had a girlfriend for two years.
Katelyn: OHMIGAWD I’M SO HORRIBLE!
Katelyn: I just kissed Trick, the man I love, and he left me again. I obviously did something wrong. WHAAAAA! *runs into Justin* Oh, hey, Justin. I just wanted to tell you that you’re such a man-who-
Justin: Make out with me.
Katelyn: Like, okayyyyyyy!
Justin: Byyyyeeeeee! I’m going to have sex with my girlfriend, now!
Katelyn: Byeeeeeeeee!….. OHMIGAWD I DID IT AGAIN!

Katelyn: *whines* Who do I pickkkk? I’m so physically attracted to both of them! One left me to die from a wolf attack, and the other uses me as his extra when he doesn’t get all he wants from his girlfriend! Help me, Caitlin!

I don’t give a fuck about her, I don’t give a fuck about anyone from this book; hell, I don’t give a fuck about this book. I will never pick up this book for the rest of my existence, and don’t even start me on the next one. I’m still debating wether or not I can stop heddesking myself….

She remembered that Arkansas was landlocked and for a moment a deep panic shuddered through her as she imagined herself on a map of the United States, trapped inside a box of land.

She’s scared of land? And even worse she compares the whole state of Arkansas to a box of land?! It’s not even square!!

Nope; not done yet, folks.

Before reading:

*double takes*

Did I read that right? This one part, in the synopsis?

“new trilogy with the passion of Twilight and the grandeur of Fallen.”

I…..I think that they meant this:

” the total opposite of the lust-crazed psychotic fuckery of Twilight and the epic failure of Fallen”

Yeah, I think that that’s what they meant, because if I’m wrong and that’s true…. we’re in for a hell of a bumpy ride.

……I’m kind of scared now. More like terrified, really.

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One Response to Absolute Best of the Bad

  1. mark reed says:

    I LOVE that Panda gif, and may steal it…

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