I’ve come to realize that I’m in the midst of depression. I’ve known that something hasn’t been right with me for a few months now. Initially I was a little hypomanic. Somewhere along the way, though, I went in the opposite direction. It’s a fight just to do the normal, daily things. School is sliding a little, which adds to my lack of self-esteem. I had a midterm the other day and, for the first time since high school, I looked at it and completely blanked. I could have answered most of those questions in my sleep up until the moment she set it down in front of me. Then… just gone. I’m fairly confident that I failed. I was devastated, and still can’t stand to think about it. My only comfort is that almost everyone else struggled with it, too. At any rate, I drove home in abject misery Thursday night, just trying to hold myself together. That’s when I realized just how much I’ve been off, and for so long. I desperately wanted to be somewhere else, far away, by myself. In the mountains, by a river, lake or ocean. Somewhere in nature where I could just be. I need to find myself again, find my peace. Unfortunately it was night, and I don’t actually feel safe by myself anymore. I’m stuck.
This is a soul-sucking state of being.
I hate when every day is a struggle. All I want to do is curl up on the couch and tune out the world, but I have school work to finish, people to see, relationships to engage in. Thank God for Randy. He holds me, lets me know that no matter what, he loves me and it’s all going to be alright. I need those reassurances sometimes. I keep fighting, keep pushing forward. I know I’ll pull through, but it’s painful in the meantime.
However, in the spirit of overcoming, I’ll log off now and get some work done.