Out of Control

The past few days have been rough.  I waited until the last minute to do homework (more on that shortly), so had to dedicate myself to that.  Then school, quite frankly, sucked.  Specifically, Thursday night classes were a waste.  I was bored.  I was frustrated.  I was defensive.  By the end I was downright pissed off.  It’s complicated, but it came down to a textbook that I can’t trust despite being required to do so, a professor who seemed displeased with my critical thinking because it didn’t agree with his, and two women who are older than I am (!) who acted as though they were in high school.   They don’t like me (the feeling is mutual), and rolled their eyes while I argued with the prof.  One leaned over to the other while I was talking and wrote something about me in the other’s notebook.  I know this because they were sitting right next to me.  I couldn’t see what she wrote, only my name.  Bitches.  I also know for a fact that they talk about me behind my back, because some of it got back to me.  This makes them dumb bitches.

I need to let it go.

To make myself feel better, I bought myself a Kindle Fire HD when I got home.  It wasn’t a totally random purchase; I’d been thinking about it for awhile.  I just finally decided that I deserved it.  But the spending worries me.  I’ve also bought Rosetta Stone: Spanish, albeit half-off, some jewelry, a blouse, and an area rug.  Spending money is a symptom of hypo-mania, and I’ve felt it.  I’ve also felt mildly depressed.  And I’ve experienced anxiety again, though not as much as I used to.  I have trouble focusing (which is why the homework wasn’t done until last minute), and am bitchy.  I’m questioning the medication.  I sometimes think that it’s like not being on any medication, except that the symptoms are duller than they would be if I weren’t taking anything.  I feel a little out of control.  I wonder if this is something that I can learn to recognize and regain, or if this means that I need to go back onto the Lamictal instead.  I’d miss the energy, the sociability.  When I’m on, I’m on these days, and it feels great.  I’m focused and happy.  But when I start to swing in either direction, it’s challenging.  I don’t stay on either end of the spectrum for too long, and the symptoms aren’t too intense, but they are noticeable to me.  I see my APRN again in a couple of weeks, and I suppose we’ll make some decisions then.  In the meantime, I’ll experiment with trying to regain some control over my behavior and impulsivity.

And I’ll refrain from smacking those women, however tempting it might be.  I’ll even try not to argue with my professor as much.  Most of my classmates loved my mood the other night.  They laughed and said I was “really on fire” with my jokes and quips.  Glad my bad humor translates well to others.

I may be a bitch, but I’m a funny one.

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2 Responses to Out of Control

  1. Leah says:

    I’m sorry that you’ve been struggling. But I think it’s impressive that you can be so aware of how you are feeling and behaving; I think that most of the battle. Hang in there, and enjoy the crap out of your new Kindle. :) And maybe sometime we can correspond en espanol? :)

    As for those ladies – seriously, are you kidding me? That is ridiculous and shows so much about their lack of character and maturity.

    Besides, I adore you! Screw ‘em.

  2. Aravis says:

    Thanks, Leah. It’s something I’ve trained myself to do over time. I try to be aware at the very least; it gives me a shot at controlling myself. Still, symptoms can sometimes be subtle or insidious, and I don’t always realize where I’m at until I’m entrenched in it. The manic side is hardest in some ways, because I usually feel really good that way. Who’d want to do anything to change that? But I become impulsive and make bad decisions, like spending money I shouldn’t or snapping at people, when I’m hypo-manic. Not to mention starting major projects and not finishing. LOL

    I adore you too. Thanks for reminding me that some people do like me. ;)

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