Here’s what I mean about lack of focus.

Last week’s Wednesday class (Career Counseling) was cancelled due to the snow storm.  This means that it’s been a couple of weeks since we met, and a couple of weeks since I read the material we’ll be discussing in class tomorrow.  I should review it, and I tried, but I just can’t.  I’m not interested, and it’s not sticking.  Nor have I been able to complete the new readings for tomorrow, knowing that we won’t be covering them all because we’re behind a week.  I’m still going to be responsible for the info by next week, but can’t be bothered with it now despite it technically being due.  This lack of focus is bothering me, but not enough to do anything about it apparently.  My current game plan is to give up (which goes against the grain) for tonight, and try to review the material again tomorrow before class.

The thing is, it’s not like I have anything else I’d rather be doing.  I don’t.  I’m feeling a little restless, in fact, in need of something to do.  Reviewing constructivist and social constructionist theories of career development isn’t making the short list, though, anymore than finishing chapters regarding career development in children has.

Then there are Thursday’s classes, for which I’ve likewise done nothing.  There’s going to be a quiz in one of them (Family Therapy), but I don’t care.   It helps that a massive storm is predicted and those classes will likely be cancelled.  I’m not feeling the need to get anything done, knowing that we probably won’t be meeting.  Watch that come back to bite me in the ass somehow.

I may not know what I’d rather be doing, but I know I’d rather be doing something else.

But hey!  I’m now certified to conduct human research trials.  That ought to be comforting to… nobody.

Bah!  I think I’ll give this day up and go to bed.  Here’s hoping the Productivity Fairy visits me again in the morning, because Apathy Fairy seems to have put in her time today.

Posted in College Life, On Being Bipolar, Random Thoughts | 7 Comments

Two Days In A Row

Hello again.

This is me not doing my homework because, quite frankly, it couldn’t get much duller.  Three chapters on career development in children, which is basically child development.  Again.  Over it.

I’m a bit cranky today.  I have tendonitis in the heel of my hand from sanding the ceiling the other day.  I have to rest it, rather than finish the job.  Irritating, and painful.

In addition to that, I wanted a new theme here but my site redesign refused to cooperate.  I finally decided that it wasn’t worth the aggravation.  This one will do.


I’m enjoying the Olympics for the most part.  The coverage sucks and it can be tough dodging spoilers, but it’s still fun to watch.  Certainly more fun than reading about how Piaget’s 4 stages of cognitive development compare to Super’s Model of Career Development for Children, or Gottfredson’s Theory of Self-Creation, Circumscription, and Compromise in relation to career development in children.

Also interested in Michael Sam’s story of coming out before the NFL draft.  I’ll be watching to see how this plays out going forward.  He was projected to be a 3rd round draft pick, but may now go undrafted.  Surely some team will have the balls, so to speak, to pick him up.  Again, so to speak.  That’s a team I’ll cheer for.  Unless it’s the Jets or 49ers.  I have my limits.

Now, will you kindly hope that CT gets a big snowstorm on Thursday so I don’t have to go to school?  It would spare me back-to-back classes, and I would really enjoy the break.




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Adjusting to Changes

So much going on, so much on my mind.

I’ve been put on a different medication to treat my bipolar.   It’s a new one, called Latuda.  Overall I think I like it.  I no longer feel anxious all the time, which is such an odd feeling.  I can see stressful situations from a healthier, more balanced viewpoint.  The consequences of even the smallest of failings used to seem too devastating to contemplate.  Now, I just shrug and say “Meh.”  And…everything turns out fine!  Freaking out about things didn’t make me a better student, just an anxious one.  I’m still getting things done without getting an ulcer in the process.  Nice.

Of course, that’s anxiety, not bipolar.  It’s just a nice side benefit that my anxiety levels have dropped.  The main improvement is that I no longer live in a constant state of depression.  I have energy and motivation.  I’m finally finishing projects begun years ago but left incomplete because, in my depression, I only had so much energy to give to life.  Now, slowly but surely, I’m reclaiming my space and doing those things I’ve long wanted to do.  I’m also beginning to go to bed a little earlier, but that shift is still a work-in-progress.  I’m working on it, though.

I’m also much more social.  I accept most invitations to do things now.  Before, I struggled to be around people.  My mother told me that it’s nice, seeing this side of me she hasn’t seen since I was younger, before my mental illness took its toll.  I’m having fun again.

But there’s a down side.  Because, in case you didn’t know, there’s always a downside to every medication.  I have trouble focusing now.  It makes it difficult to do my homework.  The lack of anxiety means that when I get a case of “I don’t wannas,” it’s harder to make myself do it.  I still get it done, but it tends to trigger irritability when I have to force myself.  Writing papers is much more challenging because it requires a high degree of focus.  Still, I’m getting by I think.  I’ve found that I do better at certain times of day, and if I can settle in to work then, I’m good.  I have to stay on top of it.

There are other things on my mind.  Things like my fears for my baby sister.  I’m almost positive she’s using heroin again since our grandmother’s illness and subsequent death.  I keep reaching out, letting her know I’m here if she needs me.  But I think she’s avoiding me.  She knows I know.  There’s nothing else I can do but try to keep the line of communication open.  But in the wake of Hoffman’s death (and Twister is on TV right now- his face appeared even as I wrote his name), I’m feeling more weighed down by fear and sadness for her.

On the flip side, I’ll be celebrating 17 years sober in a couple of weeks.  Hard to believe.  I’m so grateful for the life I have, and all of my friends and family.  You all enrich my life in immeasurable ways.  Thank-you.

Posted in College Life, Home Improvement, On Being an Alcoholic, On Being Bipolar, Random Thoughts | 4 Comments

Common Sense

If it was the middle of the night and my table saw kept spontaneously turning on, I would walk away and let it spin, not investigate more closely.


This message brought to you courtesy of the television show, Supernatural.

Posted in My Viewing Pleasure, Random Thoughts | 1 Comment


Randy brought the Christmas decorations down from the attic.  We haven’t had a tree in a couple of years, so they’ve been up there for awhile.  All I can think is:

He’s just brought the mice to the cats.  Yay.

I cant’ wait to have a tree again, though.  Ever since I visited my dying grandmother in her Hutterite community and had an early, mini-Christmas celebration with her, I’ve wanted to do this.  She’s German, so her tree was decorated with hand-made golden walnuts and stars, and real candles.  We sang a few Christmas carols, and my uncle read an old German Christmas story.  It reminded me of childhood Christmas visits to my grandparents’ home, and that evening has stayed with me.  My grandmother lingers, I’m told, though she continues to fade away.  Bringing Christmas into my home this year feels like a way to remain connected for as long as I can.

We’ll pick up the tree on Tuesday, and I’ll post pictures when it’s up.


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Mirror Mirror

I’m dealing with a friend who is annoying the crap out of me lately.  She presumes to know me and what I’m thinking, complains constantly and thinks it’s cute or funny, makes excuses not to do what she knows she needs to do in order to improve her situation, but doesn’t.

In other words, she’s me.

How irritating.

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Alright, a couple of med changes and end of the semester later, I’m here.  I was depressed, but put on a med that could aggravate depression because the doctor thought it would treat the ongoing autoimmune itchiness thing.  Oddly, it generated a manic episode instead.  It was almost instant.  I was pulled off of that, and am being titrated off of the medication I take for bipolar.  It can cause rash, so she wanted to eliminate it as a potential cause.  It isn’t causing the rash.  She’s trying me on a newer medication for bipolar, one which treats both ends of the spectrum rather than one pole or the other.  I think it’s actually working.  I’m a lot more easy going and social, something I haven’t been in years.  On the other hand, it could just be burned out from school and happy that it’s winter break.

Either way, I’m in a good space at the moment.  If only I could get the itching to stop!  Three years is a bit much.

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Getting Flattened

Still depressed, I went to school where I was promptly made to watch a documentary about 4 people at end-stages of alcoholism; they were dying.  I was either those people (the words coming out of their mouths were my own, and I had begun a physical decline by the time I quit), or was/am friends with them.  I’ve lost friends who couldn’t stop drinking or drugging, or those who died after many years sober due to lingering physiological damage sustained during years of drinking.  I had to watch this video, deal with my personal reactions, then listen to my classmates’ shocked responses.


Then I came home and began my readings for another class.  These centered on rape.

More fun.

It’s time to watch football, I think, while there’s still something left of me.

Posted in College Life, On Being an Alcoholic, On Being Bipolar, Random Thoughts | 2 Comments

Fighting It

I’ve come to realize that I’m in the midst of depression.  I’ve known that something hasn’t been right with me for a few months now.  Initially I was a little hypomanic.  Somewhere along the way, though, I went in the opposite direction.  It’s a fight just to do the normal, daily things.  School is sliding a little, which adds to my lack of self-esteem.  I had a midterm the other day and, for the first time since high school, I looked at it and completely blanked.  I could have answered most of those questions in my sleep up until the moment she set it down in front of me.  Then… just gone.  I’m fairly confident that I failed.  I was devastated, and still can’t stand to think about it.  My only comfort is that almost everyone else struggled with it, too.  At any rate, I drove home in abject misery Thursday night, just trying to hold myself together.  That’s when I realized just how much I’ve been off, and for so long.  I desperately wanted to be somewhere else, far away, by myself.  In the mountains, by a river, lake or ocean.  Somewhere in nature where I could just be.  I need to find myself again, find my peace.  Unfortunately it was night, and I don’t actually feel safe by myself anymore.  I’m stuck.

This is a soul-sucking state of being.

I hate when every day is a struggle.  All I want to do is curl up on the couch and tune out the world, but I have school work to finish, people to see, relationships to engage in.  Thank God for Randy.  He holds me, lets me know that no matter what, he loves me and it’s all going to be alright.  I need those reassurances sometimes.  I keep fighting, keep pushing forward.  I know I’ll pull through, but it’s painful in the meantime.

However, in the spirit of overcoming, I’ll log off now and get some work done.

Posted in College Life, On Being Bipolar, Random Thoughts | 1 Comment

It Wasn’t My Fault (This Time)

My blog’s server was down for a few days, but now I’m back.  I have things to say, but I also have homework that needs to get done, so I’ll come back to it.  For now, I have to go read about substance use and abuse.  Don’t know anything about that topic at all…

Posted in College Life, On Being an Alcoholic, Random Thoughts | 4 Comments