I have been up, down, and all around since the last time I wrote. At the moment I’m falling on the depressed end. My therapist has been sharing space with another one. The other lady, Laura, has a sweet little dog named Soleil. Soleil has been a highlight of my visits. She doesn’t come into my sessions with me, but greets me before and after. I love that little cutie! But my therapist needs to move offices, and I won’t be seeing Soleil anymore; today was the last day. I felt a little teary as she licked my cheek for the last time. Doesn’t that just suck?
Speaking of sucking, school hasn’t been so great. I’m doing well academically, don’t get me wrong. But I’m bored most of the time, and am clashing with one of my professors. We got into it last Thursday, and I’ve been seething on and off all week. I’m going to try to treat tomorrow’s class as a new day, a fresh start. I’ll chalk last week up to a bad day; hopefully that’s all it was. Otherwise Jesse and I will need to talk. I felt dismissed and ignored. To top it off, two older classmates with whom I only just get along rolled their eyes and started writing notes about me at the end of the class while I was discussing a point I disagreed with. I know they did this because they sit right next to me; I could hardly miss it.
To say I was pissed off by the end of the class is an understatement. I came home and indulged in some retail therapy. That night I bought a new Kindle Fire HD. Since then I’ve also bought a new iPod Nano, and Google Chromecast for the TV. No, wait, that’s not true. I was going to buy those, but when Randy realized it he bought them for me instead, so technically I didn’t buy them. Still qualifies as retail therapy.
The problem is that shopping is a sign of hypo-mania, one end of the bipolar spectrum. Now I’m depressed. I’m realizing that being on Latuda is like not being on anything, except that the symptoms are blunted. In other words, neither end of the spectrum is resolved, as is the case with most medications. Latuda targets both ends, and so wipes out neither. I’m cycling through the spectrum, but the symptoms aren’t as severe as they would be if I weren’t on anything. Still, I feel a loss of control that I used to have. I want to see if I can train myself to regain control because, with the exception of acting out on symptoms, I’m a lot happier and more social than I’ve been in years. But if I can’t control my impulsive behavior, I’m going to need to change back to Lamictal, I think. I’m meeting with my APRN next week, and hopefully she and I can arrive at some solutions.
In the meantime, as you were I guess.
P.S. There is good news: I celebrated 17 years sober on Sunday. There are positive things going on too, see? 🙂